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More and more I am seeing the discordance of our hearts and our minds. As I strive to gain some distance from you, I begin to see you and me for who we really are, not meant to be. I am a romantic at heart, and I long to be wooed, to be swept off my feet by grand gestures of love. You, on the other hand, are too calculating, too afraid, and most of all, far from in love. I think that you were flattered by my attention, by the signs of interest I let slip.

I must end it, and decisively. Now that I have a bit of a head start I want to continue along, and look back at you. I’m tired of looking on ahead, chasing. I want to leave you behind, mere memories.

I write and I write and I strive to be free of you. Some days I feel myself closer to freedom. Some days I am sucked back in. The malleability of my spirit betrays my purpose. Why is it that in my weakness I turn to you? I suppose looking at the situation honestly, I turn to fantasies of love for which you have become a kind of placeholder.

I have a lot of growing up yet to do. And I am thankful in some ways that I am growing out of you. I will miss the funny, fuzzy floating feeling the illusion of being in love with you created. I will miss it as a reminder of my old self, when love wasn’t about choosing, much less committing.

If anything I discovered in myself how much I want to be in love. I want to be in a relationship. I haven’t been honest about that for a long time. I still don’t know how it will happen and I still don’t know where it fits in in my life. I do feel that there is a change in me waiting to be unlocked, and it can only be through the love of someone who will make me brave.

Our relationship doesn’t have that fluidity. It feels stilted and awkward when we are together. Maybe that will change if we took the time to get to know each other, but neither one of us seem inclined. I have no interest in waiting.

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