photopinI wonder if these feelings are worth dissecting at all. Around you, I am unsettled at best, flummoxed at worst. In your absence, there is the perpetual echo of your memory floating in my mind.

I think it is something milder than attraction. It is an attentiveness of sorts. The way you draw everyone into your tragedy, the way everyone feels the need to look after you and see to your well-being, I don’t think that I am immune to it. Perhaps it is this that I am mistaking for some species of … desire?

Unfortunately, my mind has latched on to this improper emotional assignment and beyond my control, fed it to the hollow recesses of my being that craves that unknowable heretowith unreachable thing called love. Now I am stuck with these indeterminate feelings of annoyance that occasionally swing to desperate longing.

As I have done with others who have thrown me into this madness, I map you on the trajectory of hopeless affairs. In that context, my current affliction is mild, primarily because for the most part, the sickness is in my head, with no real world correlates.

True, I think of you constantly, literally of nothing else. But when I am actually with you, all guards are up and I cannot reach you. Curiously, as the number of days we spend apart increases, so does my agitation; yet, in the same room I am suddenly calmed, even if we do not talk. (Although perhaps this is another misrepresentation of my emotions. When I am away from you my mind is free to run wild with romantic notions, magnifying my longing exponentially. When I am with you I see the empty reality, quashing the longing at once.)

I imagine these words passing between us and I see clearly the wall of baffled concern on your face, because of all things, it is the vulnerable that one is sorriest to reject. At the same time it is that fragility that makes drawing the line as early as possible necessary. And I think that you would do the necessary thing.

There is nothing to do now, except be a friend. Fact is, I cannot escape that I care about you. My selfish desire merely gets in the way of truly listening to what you want to say, of letting you do what you need to do. These days, above all, you need a friend.

photo credit: Scarleth White via photopin cc