Archives for category: out of body

I have a playlist called “not listening to AM”. Goodbye to your posturing, vapid curiosity.

I can’t get myself to work. It is an enormous problem that must be overcome. The mere thought of initiating a required task is debilitating. Where does it come from?

Met up for coffee with another friend.

I am often in awe of how she uses language. I wonder if I ever spoke aloud like that, using phrases like “lends credence to” or “cast in the shadow of the memory of”. The speed of her thought amazes me and the linguistic acrobatics she employs inspires me.

I think of the ideas we share and how there just aren’t people around to talk about ideas with anymore.

This all leads me to think that I should write more, engage in that arduous language-shaping-thought-shaping-language endeavor to flex those old muscles.

I’ll have to write this quickly. On duty tonight and won’t have time to come back for a post.

I spent time with old friends last night. It is always fun to catch up and remember the good old times, look forward to making new memories.

For the first time yesterday, I watched the sunset over the bay. I watched the crowd over the entertainment park and felt a profound sense of gratitude for the beauty we are allowed to witness. Everyday we have access to something like that, weather permitting: a moment of perfection to suspend all other distraction.

We also resolved, as friends, to say yes more, to put ourselves out there and to fall in love. Will it be the year at last for that?

I got home too late to post this one. 

In the morning I watched Sherlock, then I took the dogs out. I hadn’t done that in a while. Walks are always so refreshing. I thought of my life and my work, in particular, underachieving. Is there still time to change that? If I’m lucky and life stretches out before me forty to fifty more years, there really still is a lot of room for enlightenment. 

How do I muster the conviction?

It was a bumpy day. Although there was no traffic, I was late. In my lateness, I forgot the most important things I needed to perform my duties for the day (for which there was only me to do them, hence, no one to borrow from). Further, I did not have time to pack lunch and was destined to starve because everything in the hospital was closed; not to mention I was stuck in the restricted area.

I thought to myself, what an awful start to the year. Then I called my friend to pick up my things from my car and another to buy me lunch on his way to his post. Some time in between, the nurses invited me to their pantry party and fed me. All these got me to thinking again, on this first day of the year, stumped by the chaos of my weaknesses, I discovered sources of help, even in unexpected places.

Near the end of my shift I was once again thrown off by the news that our housekeeper has not come home from her day off. Worried about her welfare and the burden of the next few days without a cleaner, dogsitter, cook, laundryperson, I was instantly in a panic. Nothing to do but press on, and find strength where I thought there was no more. I do hope she’s okay. She is still out of reach.

Hello 2014. I feel like, more than ever, although I’ve said it many times before, I am actually standing on the precipice of a very vast and daunting space of dark and unknown emptiness. I know that I cannot keep going blindly and that I must find in myself some light to cast.

My dog is even more ill today. He is hardly moving and he is throwing up everything he eats.

I was watching something the other day where one of the characters emphasized that one part of farm life is accepting that life and death are all part of the same cycle. I should try and understand that more.

In a moment of desperation I thought of giving up my dog for adoption to someone who would take better care of him in his illness. But that would be selfish. He gave me a lot of joy and if he is to die, I should help him in this too.