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When I held your near lifeless body in my arms, I wanted you to feel my love before leaving this world. I love you so so so much. 

Why this, now, in a time of failing spirit?

I am feeling lost and alone and purposeless. What do I do anything for? What do I live for? I am calling out to God, to make me strong, to keep me from falling off, but sometimes even my prayers seem empty. I have no view of tomorrow, leaving me a deep sense of forboding. I can’t seem to find it in my heart to care what is next in my life. The things I love are fading away and with them meaning too. 

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I moved to a country for its climate. Everything and everyone else I love is at least one ocean away. Alone, encumbered (or unencumbered, depends which way you look at it) by loneliness, I begin to feel regret for that decision made forever ago. However, seeing that climate is something I have to live with every single day, it remains a defensible choice.

I have decided I will try online dating. 

When I imagine myself moving up in the ranks in my place of work I feel a touch of despair. Constant antagonism pervades the space between colleagues. Beyond that, the infinite struggle just to get things done leaves no room for improvement: beauty and harmony. 

I think of running away and making a fresh start, seeking out an environment where I can thrive. I wonder if I should take some responsibility in changing the way things are, but then I imagine it would be a bit of a red queen affair, perpetually running in place. 

I see the sense of purpose in both paths, but as of yet, I am unmoved.